the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
