moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
50% drunk capacity currently
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
