broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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