last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
