i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
