No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
