I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I don't deserve a penis
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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