There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
