Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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