Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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