OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize