Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
