What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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