Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
