My sheets look like a crime scene.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
