Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
