I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Congratulations! We have a period
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