Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
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