did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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