So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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