literally had 100 drinks last night.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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