I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
