that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
