I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
