My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
