I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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