now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
