Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
