cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
of course. lets lasso hookers.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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