I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
