bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
