Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
