Kareoke will never be a sober sport
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
