goodnight i made you a song goodbye
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just want to make out with him forever
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
