There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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