I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
