Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
