Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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