My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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