I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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