i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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