So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
