Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
