do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
