i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
