The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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