get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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