I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I have fence marks all over my body
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
