Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
