I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
